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| I'm definitely not like everyone else. I'm sure that's pretty obvious. Sure, most people are arguably different in some way or another, but I don't think I've ever really belonged to anything.
Somehow, I'm really happy about that, actually. I think I'm finally coming to a stable point in my life, where I finally seem to make sense to myself. I don't feel like I need to change who I am every moment for anyone anymore. And I'm glad. I realize now that there are people out there who will accept me in some form, and I can even turn to them for advice if I need it. Yet, I don't live for other people anymore. I think this is really why I am happy.
I'm so glad Ryan and I are finished. Really. Being with Ryan just stalled me becoming who I really am. The truth was, I was constantly trying to please him, and constantly trying to look to others for acceptance. But I really understand now. I don't need that. I'd honestly rather suffer from chronic paralyzing loneliness a thousand times over than be someone that I'm not. I'm just not going to please people just because they want to be pleased anymore.
Of course, there are always those shallow relationships that people must maintain from day to day in order to survive. I can't get rid of them. I can be well-liked. I just can't expect everything from people that are merely acquaintances. I see them around and talk to them because they are there, and don't stir up conflict with them, because I honestly don't care if they are who they are. I honestly need to be more selective of people that I want to get close to me, if anything. I'm tired of letting anyone who's there get close to me. Most of them turn out to be completely miserable. I need to spot this before I just let anybody get into my life.
I refuse to lie to anyone for any reason. I can't. I just can't. It's horrible. I can't do that to a person. I will communicate everything with people I care about and wish to grow closer to. Even if it means that I won't grow close to that many people. I mean, what's the purpose of trying to be friends with someone if it's not even who you are? I refuse to use other people for my self esteem. And if for any reason, I should be proven wrong, then I just need to move on and fix things.
I also know not to live by a person's words, as unfortunate as that is. A situation, and an action will always define a person so much better than a person trying to convince you how amazing they are. That concept actually is somewhat disturbing. This is why I'm optimistic when I'm communicating with people, because I'm being lied to. How silly.
I guess the most important thing is to remain detached when listening to someone speak. Even if I feel that I am permanently detached, I don't particularly mind. It's not bad seeing people come and go. It certainly isn't stable, but that's okay. People won't go when they are satisfied with me.
Megan really isn't socially incompetent. Really. Just because she isn't like everyone else, doesn't make her incompetent. Arguably, I was the one who was socially incompetent.
Above all, I hope I don't need a boyfriend. I feel like I've come so far with my dependency problems. And I hope I'm not arrogant anymore. I really do.
I'm not living for myself, nor am I living for anyone else. I'm just living for what's right. What I think is right.
Yesterday someone made fun of me because I was wearing my vegan shirt. It didn't bother me at all. | | |
| I guess I've gotten over my apathy. I guess I've found my muse, really.
Something is still indescribably wrong with me. Something isn't right. The loneliness doesn't matter; the loneliness hasn't really ever mattered to me. It just makes me pity myself. I loathe how I do that, but it is true, disturbingly enough. The loneliness has always been there.
It's just the superficial relationships have always covered it up, I guess. Even with friends. Those that pretended to be close to me were merely cover ups for what has been really wrong on the inside. Everyone keeps telling me that I have trust issues, and I don't think it's accurate. I never thought it was accurate. Yet it still stands that I don't ever really get close to people, in spite of it being what I really want. I think. I don't know if it's what I really want anymore. I feel like part of me is dying or suffocating, or, well, something.
I noticed that in my relationship with Christopher-Ryan, that he and I were total hypocrites. I allowed myself to be lied to, in spite of how much I wanted to treasure honesty. I lied to myself, and he lied to me. Yet, deep down, I knew it was going to be a repeat of Phil all over again. I would end up chronically alone for a few months, and he would grow more and more distant as time went on, actually during the relationship. I didn't trust him to begin with. I never trusted him, yet I expected him to trust me in spite of his past relationship. Yet, I didn't violate his trust. I never hurt him, like I said I wouldn't. I guess he never really violated mine, because I never had any.
It was so wrong of me not to be hurt by that relationship. It still disturbs me to this very day. I mean, I know that I kept the relationship going in an attempt to try and keep my life the same way it had been, and that I was being selfish. And that he was being selfish, because he was using me for his self esteem. So I guess we honestly didn't care about each other. Or, did I really care about him? No. I would have let him go if I did.
I can't cling to people because it isn't right. I know that. But there is still something missing. It's okay for me to live my life without the people I love. I guess I can accept that if they are happy without me. But this great big wall sits in front of me and everyone else. It has for at least ten months now. I mean, I have this constant feeling and knowledge that the person I'm talking to will at some point betray me in some shape or form, except for maybe two people, and even worse, it's accurate. I even see it in my relationship with my parents.
There is speculation that it comes from my father, and there is also speculation that it comes from past relationships. I don't know which it is. Just that it is constant. Probably not my father. He actually loved me, in his own perverse way. He let go of me, to be who I want to be, to try and be happy. I just wish I could have something honest. I wish things didn't have to be so corrupt, but they are, and it isn't going away.
I guess, I have the choice to be on my own. I don't need to deal with this. I can be the spectator of my life, and escape its joys and sorrows. I can put all my emotions into things like books that won't betray me. I can put all my emotions where I know they will be welcomed. I guess that's why I cry at books, and movies. I guess that's why it feels alright. I can feel so free and without obligation. But it feels like I don't care if I live anymore.
Or I can live with my idolized emotions, and I can live with my happiness and sadness, if I try, I guess. That would be nice. I would have to choose to see someone's beauty, to feel beautiful emotions, though. It's hard. It really is. I can't just see something like that. I don't even know if it exists. All I see are selfish people filled with the obsession of their own advancement. I don't see anything contemplative or caring. But I guess I don't need to. I just need to see someone I want to make happy.
The problem with this is that, if I only want someone that cares, then it is just as selfish of me to care about someone that cares.
The problem with that, is that I can't break who I am to make someone happy, because it will just make both of us miserable.
I need to appreciate something.
I don't appreciate material things. I don't appreciate selfishness.
I miss Meghan D'Angelo. | | |
| I'm a very cynical person, and I guess I only tend to be more optimistic when I'm communicating with people. I suppose part of the problem with that, is, well, now that I don't have any friends, I don't feel like doing anything. I've reached a point in my life where I do things out of habit, and because I have to, not out of personal motivation. I don't push myself at all, and yet I still somehow manage to succeed. It doesn't seem like anything is worth it anymore. I don't feel like doing anything. My diet and exercise have gone to shit, but I haven't gained weight, because I never do. I'm lucky if I ever do my homework before midnight now. It's hard for me to even motivate myself to brush my teeth. I didn't even get dressed today because there wasn't any school.
I suppose I poured too much of myself into my relationship with Ryan. I relied too much on it for my social needs. As such, I now have few friends. There is one person I would honestly consider my friend right now, and I don't even feel like trying to make more friends, even though it will just make the situation better. I don't see any point to it. I don't care enough about what other people think anymore to try and be a good person for them. I try to do things out of self-respect now, but I honestly don't care enough about myself to try. If I fail, does it really matter anymore? The happiness that I aim for, do I even want it? Will anyone even notice if I'm miserable? Probably not.
I'm honestly not interested in anything anymore. I feel like it's a terrible burden to even hold my posture. I'm completely uninspired. Someone told me yesterday that they think I want a muse. I think they're right. Whenever I act with remote interest towards my friends, they always respond for a moment, but then completely ignore it. I keep meaning to try and make friends, but honestly, I don't think anyone cares about me. I don't particularly mind if nobody cares, that's fine with me, but I want to break this behavior, if only for myself.
I've been accused of being scared of rejection, but that's absolutely not true. I'm not scared of anything, at least involving other people. I guess I need inspiration, but why bother trying to find it? Indulging myself now is fine, because honestly, there's nothing to keep me here. | | |
| Well. I've had quite an interesting vacation, and I honestly don't even know where to begin.
Well, since I've broken up with Christopher-Ryan, I've been trying to cram as much time for socializing into my schedule as possible. In the time that he's been gone my personality has changed quite a bit. At least, I think so. I'm nowhere near as shallow as I was, which is wonderful, and somehow I've been a little, erm, asexual lately. It's strange. I think this happens everytime I break up with someone, not that I particularly mind or anything. My mood has been all over the place, but I've mostly been happy. Mostly.
I'm actually a lot more comfortable with myself, and have been a much nicer person in general. I'd go as far to even say that I've learned to love myself. I've been oozing nothing but cynicism for the longest time and I think that I've had a completely distorted view on things. I need to be more optimistic. I've only seen flaws in people for the longest time. But I'm trying to reach something more of a healthy balance, something that is a bit more real.
In the meantime I've felt completely lonely for some reason, though. It isn't even like I've been socializing less than I normally do. I still get romantic attention too. It's just I haven't been able to actually tell someone about my day for awhile, because it mostly seems like nobody actually cares. Though they might. I think an emotional dead-end in one of my friendships might just be making me feel this way, because I'm sure that someone will say they care.
But yeah. My vacation was fairly nice. I saw my friends and had a good time. I even went to Orlando for several days. The hotel was very nice, aside from the noise and the service. And I went to all the theme parks and had so much delicious food. It was unbelievably good, as in, it makes me seriously want to consider majoring in culinary arts good. Though it was expensive, but I guess you get what you pay for. I totally went to go see Rocky Horror Picture Show, too. It was amazing. I went dressed as a woman, as scary as that idea is. It was so very funny, but I suppose the audience makes the movie.
Towards the end, though, on Sunday night, I found out that Christopher-Ryan had cheated on me twice, as in, with two different people. This was while we were still dating. And one of the first one happened while he was drunk.
At first I was exhilarated to find this out. I have no idea why. I think it was because I realized that I made the right choice in not waiting around for him. Perhaps it just makes it obvious that he's an awful person, and that I'm ready for a healthy relationship. Because, as horrible as it sounds, it really wasn't my fault this relationship failed. I suppose I shouldn't try to change him, but really, he made his own decisions. What's really screwed up, though, is that he would get horribly upset when I would talk to other guys, or see them at all, yet he was the one that cheated on me.
But whatever. Now I'm able to develop past his screwy personality that I was constantly exposed to. Which reminds me, I refuse to stop my personal development for anyone. I really want a mature relationship with someone, though. And as of late, I'm just kind of craving affection. Just sweet things like cuddling. I don't know if that is exactly a healthy trait of mine. I do know that I need to find some kind of stable source of happiness or I'm going to be almost bipolar. I need to find a hobby.
Edit: I made a rather horrible typo saying I was drunk, when Ryan was the drunk one, haha. | | |
| I've decided that I'm not changing for Ryan.
I'm not letting anyone walk all over me.
And the whole thing is just ridiculous.
And I'm finally happy with myself.
My actions weren't stupid.
That's pretty much it. | | |
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