| | So, school must start eventually, yes? Of course it does. It started on September 5th, and it was the same as ever. On the first day, I returned my AP History materials to Mr. Auclair. I simply couldn't take his class this year, and so, I didn't. Instead, I replaced my history class with contemporary dance for the first semester, and art exploratory for the second. I still remained in AP English, however. I never finished all of my summer work for that class, but I did a solid majority of it. I was stressing out significantly over my unfinished assignments, but, it ultimately didn't hurt me that much.
I had motivation problems starting at the beginning of the summer. I believe I've written about them previously. Even under all of the pressure of school, they still wouldn't go away. I just couldn't motivate myself for anything, and all I really wanted to do was sleep incessantly. Aidan couldn't motivate me either. The only thing I was ever capable of, was procrastinating. I couldn't even take care of myself anymore. I wasn't motivated enough to eat, or bathe. It was actually pretty disgusting. It was kind of like I was depressed, but without being sad to my knowledge. Yet, somehow, I was repeatedly, almost, guilted by someone saying, "This is the year that makes or breaks you." That statement wasn't even directed at me, either.
At some point I had to work at the Big E. It's like a giant fair that lasts for a approximately three weeks. I got some money from that. It was completely disgusting, even though I had done it the year before. I'm not even nutritionally obsessed anymore, but the doughnuts they sell are outright horrid balls of greasy trans fat. I worked at it last year, but for some reason, it wasn't that bad. Perhaps my mindset has just shifted?
School became my life, I guess, because I wasn't really interacting with people aside from that. My relationship with my parents was still fairly bad. I started ballet, and an educational medical program. It still didn't motivate me.
Eventually it became October. Aidan and I broke up. Surprise? Not really. He and I had so much in common. Still, it ended just like every other relationship. I wasn't sad. I saw it coming. He said the same shit that every other guy did. He told me he loved me after a month. I wanted to tell him that he didn't. I wish I did. Of course, after he said that, he suddenly became too busy with school to talk to me.
Whatever.
I feel like I've been drowning in apathy for the longest time now. I feel like this is helping a little, though.
My classes at school were pretty good, though. I loved my first half of the day, dance, French, Spanish, and English. And then I had precalculus with Mr. Mensah, followed by two periods of chemistry. I've determined that I probably want to be a writer and translator, let's just say that. I can't even keep awake during the last two classes, though it's probably because of the time of day. I used to love math, too. And I've determined that medicine is horrifying.
Well, everything was pretty routinely boring after that. Eventually, enough time had passed for it to become Thanksgiving. That was another dysfunctional family holiday, yay. The conversations at the dinner table consisted of me fighting with my parents, and awkward side conversations that consisted only of three exhanges.
At this point, it really began to feel like nothing mattered anymore. Nothing except for sleeping. Even my once intense passion for languages seems/seemed to have faded. It's like I've lost all kinds of internal strength and now rely solely on others for motivation of any sort. Right now, I can't even motivate myself to trigger normal thought processes, it seems. I can write, but that's about it. It's like I'm drowning in an incessant emotional and mental lethargy. I want to fix it, but I really don't know how. Sometimes it is worse than others. I don't know if it's just my mood fluctuating. I really hope this is situational, but it doesn't seem to be.
Edit: So my psychologist seems to think that I have depression.
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| | Posted 1/15/2009 6:40 PM - 35 Views - 2 eProps - 1 Comment
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