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| So, school must start eventually, yes? Of course it does. It started on September 5th, and it was the same as ever. On the first day, I returned my AP History materials to Mr. Auclair. I simply couldn't take his class this year, and so, I didn't. Instead, I replaced my history class with contemporary dance for the first semester, and art exploratory for the second. I still remained in AP English, however. I never finished all of my summer work for that class, but I did a solid majority of it. I was stressing out significantly over my unfinished assignments, but, it ultimately didn't hurt me that much.
I had motivation problems starting at the beginning of the summer. I believe I've written about them previously. Even under all of the pressure of school, they still wouldn't go away. I just couldn't motivate myself for anything, and all I really wanted to do was sleep incessantly. Aidan couldn't motivate me either. The only thing I was ever capable of, was procrastinating. I couldn't even take care of myself anymore. I wasn't motivated enough to eat, or bathe. It was actually pretty disgusting. It was kind of like I was depressed, but without being sad to my knowledge. Yet, somehow, I was repeatedly, almost, guilted by someone saying, "This is the year that makes or breaks you." That statement wasn't even directed at me, either.
At some point I had to work at the Big E. It's like a giant fair that lasts for a approximately three weeks. I got some money from that. It was completely disgusting, even though I had done it the year before. I'm not even nutritionally obsessed anymore, but the doughnuts they sell are outright horrid balls of greasy trans fat. I worked at it last year, but for some reason, it wasn't that bad. Perhaps my mindset has just shifted?
School became my life, I guess, because I wasn't really interacting with people aside from that. My relationship with my parents was still fairly bad. I started ballet, and an educational medical program. It still didn't motivate me.
Eventually it became October. Aidan and I broke up. Surprise? Not really. He and I had so much in common. Still, it ended just like every other relationship. I wasn't sad. I saw it coming. He said the same shit that every other guy did. He told me he loved me after a month. I wanted to tell him that he didn't. I wish I did. Of course, after he said that, he suddenly became too busy with school to talk to me.
Whatever.
I feel like I've been drowning in apathy for the longest time now. I feel like this is helping a little, though.
My classes at school were pretty good, though. I loved my first half of the day, dance, French, Spanish, and English. And then I had precalculus with Mr. Mensah, followed by two periods of chemistry. I've determined that I probably want to be a writer and translator, let's just say that. I can't even keep awake during the last two classes, though it's probably because of the time of day. I used to love math, too. And I've determined that medicine is horrifying.
Well, everything was pretty routinely boring after that. Eventually, enough time had passed for it to become Thanksgiving. That was another dysfunctional family holiday, yay. The conversations at the dinner table consisted of me fighting with my parents, and awkward side conversations that consisted only of three exhanges.
At this point, it really began to feel like nothing mattered anymore. Nothing except for sleeping. Even my once intense passion for languages seems/seemed to have faded. It's like I've lost all kinds of internal strength and now rely solely on others for motivation of any sort. Right now, I can't even motivate myself to trigger normal thought processes, it seems. I can write, but that's about it. It's like I'm drowning in an incessant emotional and mental lethargy. I want to fix it, but I really don't know how. Sometimes it is worse than others. I don't know if it's just my mood fluctuating. I really hope this is situational, but it doesn't seem to be.
Edit: So my psychologist seems to think that I have depression.
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| I don't think I've mentioned Alex Kump in my blogs yet. Well, I should probably explain his character if I'm going to explain this vacation with him. Alex is gay, and obese, and desperate beyond all belief. He's pretty hideous, actually. However, those are only the shallow parts of his personality. I really try to look past shallow problems like that, but they really were prime examples of his inability to handle his own problems. Alex had been interested in me at one point, and I gave him a chance at least, but then ultimately decided against it. He always seemed like he tried to be classy, or interesting, or funny, but he really failed miserably, ending, normally, in a horribly awkward situation. At first, he always seemed to want to make me seem so much more emotional than I actually was. He didn't really seem to understand that, just maybe, I'm actually a pretty happy person. He thought that I've been suppressing horrible memories and sorrows. After he got over the fact that I wasn't dying from depression, he seemed to get more angry at me for being too annoying or energetic for his own preference. Anyway, he asked me to go on vacation with him, to Maine, for about five days. The plan was, that I would spend the night over his house, and then I would travel with him and his family to Maine in the morning. Well, the first night there was probably the worst. Anywhere that Alex spent any significant amount of time in that house, was completely cluttered and messy. I didn't really do much the first night that I was there. I didn't unpack. Alex's friends were there, so hanging out with them was fun. After his friends left, it got a little awkward, but it was okay while his relatives were awake. Then his parents and sister went to bed. He and I decided to make cookies, which was fun enough. We were cooking while his family was asleep. Some of the cookies were outright horrible, though. One recipe called for a stick of butter. Those were absolutely disgusting. I might as well just have melted some butter in the microwave and drank it, instead of eating those cookies. Just, outright revolting. It was about this time that he and I went into the basement. Uh. Sketchy. I'm just going to say, sexual assault anyone? So then I proceeded to go on vacation with him, which was an absolutely ridiculous idea. The ride up there was boring, but the place where Alex, his friend (thankfully), and I stayed was very nice. It was so very pretty. We were right on the ocean. I could walk for two minutes and I would be at the ocean. It was really, really nice. Of course, however, Alex was so lazy that anytime I tried to get him to actually do anything, he wouldn't. He just wanted to lay around and do nothing. And so did Jesse. It was so boring. So, of course, they told me that I was being really annoying and hyperactive. We were in this house for about three days. Alex started making jokes about killing me. Talk about disturbing. I ended up just going for walks around the neighborhood without them. Anyway, eventually we went for the main event, which was camping on an island for an evening. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I had never seen a shooting star before. I saw two that night. The sky was so beautifully clear, and the moon was so luminous. The ocean was amazing to listen to. I ended up sleeping for fourteen hours, after hiking all over the island. I woke up next morning, and I noticed that the children there were having a competition, seeing who could stay in the the cold ocean water for the longest. By the way, all of Alex's family was on the island, practically. So, I get out of the tent and go stand by the water. The obnoxious kids, and Jesse are still in the water. They're complaining incessantly, except for Jesse. So, I start taunting them. I think I threw a football to them in the water, which splashed them. And I may have put some of their stuff in the water, pretty far away from them. They didn't really react yet. Then, this little girl started putting their towels in the water. I tossed that football at them one more time, and the trashiest of the kids ran out of the water and gave me an uppercut to the mouth. It didn't really hurt. Then I mocked him for being so ignorant that he turned to violence, and told him to do it again. He kicked me a few times and put me on the ground. It wasn't until someone told me that I was bleeding everywhere that I even noticed. Apparently I had a giant hole right under my lips. After that, people started packing up, and it was like everyone was rushing to get in the shower. Of course, Alex thought he should get the shower first, even though I had a giant hole in my face that I needed to clean. His parents had to tell him that I should get in the shower first. So I took care of that. And then I went to the emergency room. I ended up having to get stitches. So, I have a nifty new scar, I guess. I've come to the realization that the emergency room isn't a very, uh, dire place. So anyway, after that, we pretty much packed up and went home the next day. My parents wanted to sue Alex's family (mostly for compensation for the emergency room incident). I told them that it wasn't worth making more trouble for everyone. The most disturbing part about all of this, however, is that at one point, Alex had told me that he loved me. Gross. Edit: Picture of Alex (the obese one): http://x69.xanga.com/011f126432730228600278/s180013804.jpg | | |
| Oh yes. I'm not done yet. I can write this whole morning away if I wish to. So, I'm now into the beginning of August. This wasn't a very interesting month. During summer vacation I had begun to get involved with Livemocha, which is an online language learning community. During the last year or so, I've become fairly interested in learning other languages. I'm pretty sure I want to be a translator, but anyway. I made a few friends to talk to online via Livemocha, which was nice. It kept me distracted and it taught me new things, though I found it rather frustrating, in all honesty. I stayed up pretty late some nights talking to people from China or from India. It was interesting. It's actually really depressing to learn what being gay is like in other parts of the world, sometimes. At one point, Kaity and I went on an excursion to Wal-Mart to, uh, make fun of the what was inside it. We pretended to be French tourists. It was actually fairly amusing. We stopped by Panera as well, which has become my favorite eatery recently. I absolutely love their bagels, even though they may not be the best things for me. After that, a few days later, my parents went to Provincetown, a notoriously gay city, without me. They decided that I wasn't worth bringing, and that I would just be a burden for their vacation. I have no idea why they wanted to go to Provincetown anyway. Perhaps because I went there the summer prior? Who knows. In any event, I spent the whole time with my grandmother. As much as I love my grandmother, her house can only be so entertaining. Really. I definitely spent a lot of my time online, on Livemocha, actually. I was pretty pissed off at my parents for that. So, after that I ended up getting in an argument with my parents. That was fun. I don't even remember what happened. Probably some empty threats were made that never came to fruition, like always. At around this time, I believe I started talking to Aidan, who is now my exboyfriend. Yay. This was just prior to the vacation from hell, not my parent's vacation, but one with a person who was my friend at the time. The vacation from hell gets its own special entry. After that horrible vacation, I finally met Aidan, who is Richard's exboyfriend. That mutual relation was a little awkward. Aidan and I became boyfriends then. It was nice. He and I had an incredible amount in common. It was actually really disappointing that he and I didn't work out. Of course, everything is always fun and easy at first. Sometimes, having too much in common can make things boring, I suppose. Distance can be a problem too. Both emotional and physical. Oh well. I really feel like, the only way for me to even be involved in romantic relationships anymore is to forget about the other people I've dated. It's almost as if trying to modify myself is just ruining everything. I need to be more comfortable with who I am, perhaps. It is difficult to change who I am, but it is possible, and I will always change as I get older. Perhaps waiting for other people to change is a better perspective. What I really know, though, is that a large part of me just wants to forget about the majority of my failed romantic endeavors. | | |
| Well, now. It's been awhile. Yes, yes. Same redundant beginning as always, of course. My life has been unbelievably hectic, not to mention that I've been plagued with a consistently overwhelming lethargy. I'm a little settled for the moment. So, here begins the first in a series of entries on my life! Well, what else would they be on? Of course, conveying only events can be a bit dry, so I will try to put more into it. Also, just a little syntax note: If I type in all capital letters at any point, it is to mock people. Where to start? I believe, the last thing that I actually wrote about was meeting Richard. That was nice. Remember how I talked about how lonely summer was? That didn't really get much better throughout the whole vacation, but I managed to survive that. It really wasn't that bad. It actually went away as soon as I stopped taking the medication that I was on, which is just dandy. Of course, the medicine I was on was for ADHD, which means that I was a tad antsy. I don't really think that my energy was so much from a disorder, as it was from spending too much time not actually doing physical exercise. Speaking of physical exercise, this summer I started taking dance. I started off with modern, ballet, and jazz. Jazz was terrifying, and I'm not taking it right now, nor will I ever take it again. Ever. For any reason, unless I'm dying from a jazz deficiency. It was just, too flamingly homosexual. I was dancing to Britney Spears, shaking my hips, and wearing horribly awkward jazz shoes. I'm glad that's over with. Modern was nice, though being barefoot was a bit bothersome. It hurt my feet a tad. I'm not taking that now either, though I really wish I was. My teacher told me that I was picking it up very well, though it was difficult at first. I was far from flexible enough. I'm continuing with ballet now, however. It's really nice. It has given me amazing muscles. I've seemingly gotten a lot stronger, and I've put on weight, without looking like it. It's actually pretty surprising how strong I am. I love it, even if ballet is fairly painful. I ended up not taking AP history. I was far too apathetic to get all of the work done over the summer. It was pretty ridiculous. I'm glad I didn't take it now, though, because I'm pretty lacking in motivation, and I'm having a hard enough time trying to keep up with all of my school work right now (for reasons that I will explain later). I didn't finish all of my AP English work, but I got to most of it. I wasn't dropped from the class or anything. My involvement with the teacher of the class is actually pretty important. But, before I got to any of my school work, something happened at home. As soon as I stopped taking my medicine, my relationship with my parents seemed to stop being very positive. Well, not that it ever really was, as you may or may not know. My parents have been sort of a taboo subject in this blog as they have followed my blog entries. They won't be much of a problem now. I'll give a huge entry dedicated to my relationship with them, and the huge gap in understanding that I have with them soon enough. In any event, my fights with my parents had been escalating, not that it seemed to phase me, because I had kind of grown immune to their verbal assaults and retardation. I ended up running away for an evening. I just left, without anything. I was walking around the streets without a single thing on me, besides a blanket, some clothing, and my phone. I ended up calling a friend that I met in my French class Sophomore year; a girl whom I love dearly. She ended up picking me up at a Friendly's near my house. Her mother is the nicest person. I still can't believe how it all happened, but it did. I ended up staying the night with Moekenzie, but we both stayed up a tad late, of course. My mother decided to stay up all night texting me, going crazy because I had left without telling her where I was going. My mother ended up picking me up at the grocery store while I was shopping with Moekenzie and her mother. It was pretty ridiculous. She then decided to bring me to the hospital. To the emergency room. For being A DANGER TO MYSELF AND OTHERS. Essentially, I just sat around for a few hours to talk to a social worker, who told my mother that I was perfectly normal, and that she was being overdramatic. Surprising? Not really! She seems to think that I'm incredibly manipulative and control the social workers into believing what I want them to. How paranoid. I wonder if it has something to do with how often she smokes. Anyway, so I ended up writing for my English class about how I was homeless. My classmates and I were supposed to interpret the meaning of "home." So I told my teacher about my family life, and because a home is where a person should feel secure, I described myself as homeless at the time. | | |
| I have a new favorite movie. It's called Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It really makes me feel a lot less cynical. Maybe. Well, it more so makes me appreciate the progression of relationships, for their good parts and their bad parts. So, I guess, they don't all feel like such abject failures. I suppose I focus too much on the end result of something rather than the enjoyment that happened during the process. At least, when an action has already occurred. I don't know that I could watch that movie without crying. I think it really is a beautiful movie. It kind of makes me appreciate what I have, realtionship-wise, albeit only a little.
Speaking of such, I saw Richard, now that school was out. It was really nice, actually. I haven't seen him in so long. He really changed a lot. Some of it really worried me, but I kept telling myself that I care too much, and that I worried too much. I think that I'm so used to not caring at all that there was a lot of contrast. And, really, as of late, yeah, I hardly care about anything. I am quite possibly the least motivated I have ever been in my entire life. I have all I can do to get up in the morning, brush my teeth, and bathe. I've slept for about twelve hours each day, disturbingly enough. I guess I really was sleep deprived from going to school. Ugh. I'm so glad I don't have to set an alarm and wake up to write a paper. But I kind of miss having something to do. It felt like I was being constructive I guess. And lately, well, it's just been a nagging urge to do something that really hasn't been fulfilled. I won't have to worry about that this fall, though! People have told me that I'm going to crash and burn with my heavy course load. I'll be able to handle it, because I always change to fit the need. In the meantime I need to work on getting myself healthy again.
Aside from that, there really isn't much else to my summer vacation. I have been bored for the first time in ages. And that has led to me playing too many video games, and doing other mind-numbing things. That's not that bad, I guess. But my emotions have been running really strong lately. Particularly when I'm alone, and not doing anything. I was crying a ridiculous amount for a few days. And things have been dramatic too. I like to think that think that some of it really isn't my fault. But other times it clearly is. I kind of just ignore one of the situations really. Ah well. It's kind of hard to keep myself feeling good, but talking to certain people helps. I really hope those people know who they are.
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